


How to Train Your Idiot Humans

by TinyOctopus



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Cats, Caturday Drabbles, Character Development, Comedy of Errors, Drama & Romance, Emotional Constipation, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Fall of Overwatch, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-01-15 15:37:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18501925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyOctopus/pseuds/TinyOctopus
Summary: In which a stray cat adopts both Reaper and Soldier: 76 without their knowledge, forcing them to reconsider their past mistakes.





	1. Purrsuasion

"Go away," Reaper growled. 

The cat continued to stare at him, unperturbed, even when he stalked closer to confirm his earlier suspicion. 

Fuck, he'd always been a sucker for blue eyes. 

As if on cue, the cat began to purr. Reaper wavered for a moment before he bent down, scooped the feline into his arms, and tucked it into his duster. 

"If anyone asks..." Reaper paused. "You reminded me of someone I once knew. I swear, Jack, if you steal my blankets like he did, I'm kicking you out. Got it?" 

The cat meowed, and Reaper considered the matter settled.


	2. 0200

A crash startled him awake.  
  
Soldier: 76 searched the room, sidearm in hand, blearily trying to identify the source of the noise. There was nothing—  
  
_"Shit."_  
  
He almost jumped out of his skin when he found a pair of blue eyes staring into his soul.  
  
Thank god for good trigger discipline.  
  
When Soldier: 76 didn't move, the cat meowed as if he could somehow understand, and if a cat could break into his bedroom, he had bigger problems to worry about. Too many people wanted him dead.  
  
But first…  
  
"What the hell am I going to do with a cat?"  
  
  



	3. Boundaries

"You know, Jack," Reaper began, his tone light and conversational, "we need to establish boundaries if we're going to live together. Rule #1: don't touch my stuff."  
  
No response. Reaper paused, examined the tuft of silvered fur peeking out of his jacket, and found the cat's eyes closed.  
  
Typical Jack.  
  
"Asleep the moment you can leech my body heat," Reaper murmured. "I hope you know good leather isn't cheap. If I find holes, hairballs, or _worse_ on my duster tomorrow, I'll be very upset, got it?"  
  
He waited, caught himself, and then sighed. "I'm arguing with a goddamn cat."  
  
Fuck.


	4. Social Engineering

Soldier: 76 set his pistol aside and swore. "What do you want?"  
  
The cat continued to meow undeterred, and damn if it wasn't the most pitiful, pathetic sound.  
  
"You're probably hungry. No other reason to sneak in here."  
  
It purred, calm as anything.  
  
Soldier: 76 staggered to his feet and trudged to the kitchen. As soon as his toes met the cold tile, the cat began to weave between his legs. He was going to trip and fall, god fucking damn it.   
  
"Guess this is my life now," he muttered, rummaging in the fridge for anything a cat could eat.


	5. Homecoming

By the time Reaper and his new pet reached the safe house, dawn lit the horizon. He felt the heavy, bone-deep exhaustion with each step and sighed with relief as he crossed the threshold.  
  
It was good to be back.  
  
Reaper opened his jacket, lifted out the cat, and set it down on the floor. It purred.  
  
"Welcome home, Jack."  
  
Reaper froze. The cat continued to rub itself against his shins, because of-fucking-course it wouldn't understand — it was a cat. How could it begin to understand?  
  
"Never thought I'd say that again."  
  
Was it too late to rename the cat?


	6. Old Habits

The scrawny, malnourished cat lapped at the shredded chicken as if it hadn't been fed in weeks.  
  
What exactly was he doing with his life so that he had the time and patience to feed a stray animal he didn't even own?  
  
Soldier: 76 crossed his arms over his chest, stopping himself from reaching out to stop the cat before it choked. He didn't have room in his life to care about anyone or anything else. Not anymore.  
  
Despite that, Soldier: 76 found himself saying, "Slow down, or you'll hurt yourself," before he could stop himself — an old, pathetic habit.


	7. Strange Places

Once the cat seemed satisfied with scent-marking his boots, it scampered off to explore, meowing at everything.

Reaper ignored it until he'd finished arranging a makeshift bed using towels and a storage crate.

"Jack, where the hell did you go?"

Silence — no meowing, no pitter-patter of paws. Nothing.

_Fuck._

Reaper searched every conceivable place a cat could hide, finally peering underneath the couch. Blue eyes stared back out at him.

"Come out, Jack. I'm the scariest thing here, I promise. I won't hurt you."

The cat didn't budge.

Reaper sighed, dragged the bed over, and left it alone. Typical Jack.


	8. No Vacancy

"What do you want now?" Soldier: 76 growled out as the cat wove between his legs, purring like an engine. "I fed you, so just leave already."

It could get out on its own. Like hell he was going to prop open a window for a cat. Too damn risky.

"You'll be sick of me soon. Me and relationships never work out."

Soldier: 76 sighed and shuffled back to bed. The cat followed.

"I'm not good for anyone. You'll see that soon enough."

The cat curled up beside him, and he reached out to gently stroke its soft fur.

Once.


	9. Insomnia

Reaper stared up at the ceiling with a groan. All things considered, sleep should have come easily, but there was apparently no rest for the wicked.

"Jack, I thought animals were supposed to be sensitive to their owners' emotions and offer them comfort in times of distress or something."

He hadn't expected a response, but he waited all the same.

Reaper would kill anyone who suggested he was lonely. Loneliness was for stupid, weak people who regretted their life choices. He had only adopted the cat because he needed a distraction from the empty monotony of his life — nothing more.


	10. The Morning After

Soldier: 76 woke up to a suffocating blur of white. Each inhale brought with it a lungful of fur, the weight on his upper body edging too close to panic for comfort. He thrashed beneath the bedsheets, an animal caught in a snare, and finally surged upright.

It was a mistake.

Sharp pinpricks of pain sparked across his face. Soldier: 76 winced at the loud yowl in his ear, carefully freeing his skin from the cat's claws as he laid back down.

 _Fuck,_ it stung.

"You're worse than Gabe when he got woken up the wrong way in the morning."


End file.
